Psalm 84

I want to tell you a story.

It happened about twenty years ago.  After two years of taking my temperature every day, I thought I might actually be pregnant.  Didn’t know for sure, but my temperature went up, and so did my hopes.

It turned out I was not.  I don’t think I even realized how high my hopes had gotten, but I was devastated.  I cried for hours.  I went to the doctor to see if maybe I had been pregnant, but miscarried – that wouldn’t have been better, but I could have at least said I had been pregnant.  Either way, I was not.

In my sorrow, I turned to the Psalms.  I flipped through my Bible and settled on Psalm 84:

(1) How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord Almighty!
(2) My soul yearns, even faints for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.
(3) Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young – a place near your altar,
O Lord almighty, my King and my God.
(4) Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you   Selah
(5) Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
(6) As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of spring;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
(7) They go from strength to strength till each appears before God in Zion.
(8) Hear my prayer, O Lord God Almighty;
Listen to me, O God of Jacob.       Selah
(9) Look upon our shield, O God;
look with favor on your anointed one.
(10) Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
(11) For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.
(12) O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you.
(NIV)

I found much comfort here.

My soul yearned for the presence of God.
If even sparrows have a place for their young… God knew of my desire for young of my own, in a place near his altar.
I was (am) blessed to dwell in His house, blessed to have my strength in Him – going from strength to strength till I appear before Him in Zion.
I was (am) so much better off in his courts, even as the lowliest servant in His house, than in the tents of the wicked.
He bestows favor and honor.
He doesn’t withhold any good thing from those whose walk is blameless – my walk is not blameless on my own effort, but in Christ, I am counted as blameless.
Trust – faith – in Him was (is) the key.

As I contemplated these words and thoughts, I considered how God might bless me with children, even if they were not of my own body.  At the time, I was teaching Bible class to the 0 – 12 month babies at our church. I considered this my ministry, even a mission.  And though they were not of my own body, those babies were mine. In my heart, I resolved to count this as God’s answer to my sadness that day.  It helped.

I threw out the thermometer.

Two months later I was pregnant.

Now I have two incredible, beautiful-inside-and-out daughters, from my own body and that of my wonderful husband. I have placed them before His altar, for His care (though sometimes, I snatch them back when my faith is weak…).

This is my story.  Yours may be different.  There are many who deeply desire children who are unable to conceive.  My heart breaks for you.  I do not presume to have all the wise words to make you feel better.  I only hope you can find comfort in God’s presence and in God’s word.

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About amyenoch

My name is Amy Enoch. I have been married for 25 years to the love of my life. I have two daughters, ages 19 and 16. I live in the Dallas area. Mostly I am a stay-at-home mom, but I do work part-time in an office job, and I do some contract work from home when it is available. I'll update this as I think of stuff that might be pertinent!
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