Tomorrow’s the day.

Tomorrow my older daughter graduates from high school.

All schoolwork is done and turned in. All tests taken. All hurdles jumped.

We’ve worked so hard for this day.  I can say “we” because it was my work, too.  It’s a good thing.  I’m glad for it, and glad the work is completed.

My younger daughter finished her freshman year today, and she is gleefully throwing papers in the recycling bin.  “Mary, come see!” she says.  Now they are both in Leah’s bedroom, talking and giggling. The sound is so beautiful it hurts – it spears into my heart and radiates all the way down to my feet.

Love hurts, but not like the Nazareth song describes.  It’s just so strong! Waves and waves of it, beautiful and strong and overwhelming.

When my Mary was born, I discovered a whole new appreciation for Mary the mother of Jesus.  The last couple of years have been hard, watching my baby suffer.  How in the world did Jesus’s mother bear it when he was suffering under the weight of the past, current, and future sin of the whole world?

I also discovered a new appreciation for how much God loves us – that He loves me even more than I love my babies.  That is too much, too wonderful, for me to fathom.

I’ll be doing lots of crying tomorrow.  Admittedly, it doesn’t take much to make me cry. But this is special.

It’s a good accomplishment, this graduation.  It’s a good sound, my girls laughing together.  It’s a good thing, this love.

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Mothers Day 2015

Lots of people, including my daughters, tell me what a great mom I am.  While I appreciate the praise, it always makes me squirm a little… because I feel like a fraud.  My heart secretly dreads that my kids will be 35 and in therapy because of stuff I did or said (or didn’t do or didn’t say) when they were little.  I question myself constantly, and pray without ceasing, “Please give me the right words, please help me make the right decision, please don’t let me screw them up too badly.”

It is my number 1 mission in life to be a good mom.  My girls are so wonderful, and I know my husband and I have done a good job raising them (I am incredibly blessed with a husband who is an amazing father to our girls).  But I also know the proof will be in the future, as they get old enough to take care of themselves – will they be okay?  Will they make good decisions?  Will they look back on that time I forgot to say, “I’m sorry,” and be disappointed and angry at me?  Will that scar them for life? Have we properly prepared them to face life?

Objectively, I think I can say yes, we’ve prepared them.  They are smart, sensible, generous, kind, and as wise as two teenage girls can possibly be.  I know intellectually that we have done well by them.  But deep down inside, I will probably always worry that I’ve let them down somehow.

So, here is where I usually include some word of wisdom in my blog posts.  Guess what? I don’t have one today.  I guess I’ll just ask you all to pray for me, and I’ll pray for you, that we will always do right by our kids, and that God will protect them from our screw-ups.

Mothers and mother-figures out there – hang tough.  I love you guys.

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Top Ten Ways to Get Yourself Kicked Out of Target

My teenagers are a constant source of amusement around here. As a follow-up to my Cici’s post a few weeks ago, I now submit to you: the top ten ways to get kicked out of Target.  Original idea courtesy of my older teenager.

10.  Turn up the volume to the maximum on all display televisions and radios.

9.  Request that the guy in the deli slice several kinds of meat and cheese, then say, “Oh, never mind.”

8.  Juggle oranges in the produce section.  Badly.

7.  Ask the pharmacist if they carry aspirin.

6.  Move several cartons of skim milk over to the whole milk section, and vice versa.  Alternate them on the shelves.

5.  Do the same thing with the dog food and cat food.

4.  Repeatedly take the maximum number of items into the dressing rooms, then reject them all.

3.  Ask the barista at Starbucks if you can super-size your fries.

2.  Put a red donation bucket on a tripod and ring a bell, in March.

And the #1 way to get yourself kicked out of Target.

1.  Allow your teenager to ride standing up in the cart, arms spread, yelling, “I’m king of the world!”

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Oh, Love That Wilt Not Let Me Go

Next month marks twenty years since my beautiful sister died of breast cancer.  I still think about and miss her every day.

My oldest brother and I were talking about this anniversary the other day.  He reminded me of one of the songs played at her funeral.  I don’t remember it being sung that day – the day is kind of a blur, though I do remember some details vividly.  I don’t know who chose the song, whether it was my sister before her death, or my brother-in-law, or perhaps my mom.  But it was extremely apropos:

O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in Thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O Light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in Thy sunshine’s glow its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to Thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to hide from thee;
I lay in dust, life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red,
Life that shall endless be. 

– George Matheson, 1882, copyright public domain

The words are very sad, but, paradoxically, very hopeful.  There is weariness, weakness, pain, and death… but also rest, light, joy, and life. This is our situation here on earth. My sister knew that and embraced it.

It’s been a tough year for our family, immediate and extended.  Knowing this anniversary looms is weighing heavily. Daily I wish for my sister to be here, for me, for all of us. I want to hear her voice and laugh, ask her advice, tell her how much I miss her.

But I can’t.  So I try to trace the rainbow through the rain, rest my weary soul, and wait for the tearless morning and the life that shall endless be.

[Edited to add:  My mom tells me she did indeed pick this song and all the others, too.  She did an amazing job of it.]

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I just have to brag a little on my two sweet girls.  They both have such incredibly generous hearts. 

Today in the pre-op room we were saying goodbye to Mary, and I gave her a long hug, and she said, “I’ll be okay, Mama.” – comforting ME.  Then in post-op, when she was still too groggy to talk, she took note of a baby in another cubicle who was crying loudly and pitifully, and she looked at me, inclined her head toward the baby, and stuck her bottom lip out sympathetically. 

Then, after we got home and Mary was lying miserably in her bed, Leah sat with her and rubbed her back for a long time.  Then, while discussing how we would handle things through the night, Leah said, “Just wake me up if you need anything.”  Now, Mary is reading in bed, and Leah is sitting in there with her reading a magazine, keeping her company, and running and fetching for her.  All of this without being asked. 

I’ve spent some time over the last week or so thinking about how selfish I am about so many little things, even just in my head, and trying to do better about it.  And I look at my sweet girls and wonder where they got their incredibly generous spirits.  I don’t think it’s something we’ve necessarily taught them, consciously or otherwise, and I think it must just be a straight-up gift from God. If anything, they are teaching me. 

So, tonight, as we all recover from a long day, and look forward hopefully to better times, I am grateful for my girls and their sweet hearts.  I am grateful to God for several answered prayers today.  And I am humbled, awed, and somewhat chastened by the generosity of the spirits of these two teenage girls.

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Top Ten Ways To Get Kicked Out Of Cici’s

I took the girls to Cici’s the other day for lunch, and somehow, the subject of ways to get kicked out came up.  So – sharing full and equal credit for authorship with Mary and Leah – here’s what we came up with.

10. Go down the buffet line sticking your head under the sneeze guard and sniffing all the pizzas. Touch them all with one finger, for good measure.

9.  Order some weird combination of ingredients on a pizza that nobody else would ever eat – like jalapenos, macaroni, and carrots – then don’t eat it.

8. Buy a bouncy ball from the vending machine, then complain to the manager that it’s not a gumball.

7. Ask for the icing bottle (for the cinnamon rolls) and, a la Walter Cunningham, drown everything on your plate.  (“What in the Sam Hill are you doing?!”)

6.  Fill up your water cup with marinara and then ask for another one for the alfredo.

5. Ask the cashier if you can exchange the plastic necklace you won in the game room.

4. Start a food fight.

3. Pile up a couple of plates with cucumbers and ranch dressing from the salad bar, then put up a sign at your table that you’re giving free facials.

2. Take all the napkins out of the dispenser (now that they are in one big container on the buffet line instead of at your table).  You can use them to help with the facials.

And the Number 1 way to get kicked out of Cici’s:

1. Before an employee can say, “Thanks for coming in!” to someone who is leaving, yell, “Bye! Hope you don’t get food poisoning!”

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Denton ISD – You Rock!

I would like to give shout-outs to some very special, wonderful people: the teachers, counselors, and administration of Denton ISD.

My older daughter, Mary, has been struggling with illness for the last two or three months. She missed a bunch of school, and eventually we had to put her on homebound education.  By the grace of God, and with the help of these wonderful people, and with sheer grit and determination, Mary has completely finished all of the school work needed to complete this school year.  I want to publicly recognize some people:

First and foremost, her teachers:
Shanna Hardesty
Karen Reidy
Stephanie Garcia
Loretta McDonald
Cindy Hess
Shannon Campbell
Christi Spindle

These talented educators went waaaaay out of their ways to help Mary with the goal of completing this year without having to repeat anything. They worked with her individually, talked to her on the phone, and showed amazing flexibility while still staying true to the goal of educating. I am incredibly grateful to them.

Mary’s homebound teacher, Maria Harris, and the DISD homebound coordinator, Barb Haflich, were unfailingly kind, and helped us navigate the homebound process with compassion and skill.

Angela Tate, attendance…guru?… was also very compassionate and willing to go the extra mile for Mary.

Nicole Dampman, guidance counselor, was likewise wonderful. She helped us shape the goals for Mary’s school work, while at the same time insisting that Mary’s health was the most important priority. Plus, she has bobbleheads of all the Big Bang Theory characters in her office, which I find utterly awesome!

While I’m on the subject, I also want to give a quick shout-out to the nice folks at TWU who helped me navigate dual credit issues. Especially one Corey Green, who made me cry when he told me, so kindly, “I don’t want you to stress about this, okay?”

So, to all these folks, and any others behind the scenes, Mary and her dad and I thank you. We could not be more pleased to be in this school district, filled with folks who truly want to see kids succeed, even (maybe especially) when they have difficulties that have nothing to do with their intellect. You are a blessing to us.

God bless you all abundantly.



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